Insecure.

Something I have been feeling since I was 13. Insecure is a common word used by girls. Boys think that girls are just saying that to seek attention, parents think their kids are just overreacting and psychiatrists think that this has developed into a serious problem. Emotional security is the measure of stability of an individuals emotional state.

I came from an all girls school and at the age of 11, all of us started to talk about boys and our crushes. I thought all my friends were pretty in their own way. I thought I was too.. But I was wrong. At the age of twelve, I was on the prefects board, choir and choral speaking team, dance group,hockey team, I receive ceritficates at every prize giving ceremony,I helped with events, I was a good student and had a lot of friends. When I graduated from primary school and made my way to secondary school. Everything changed. 

I started noticing that the girls in secondary school were rather mean but very pretty. Especially the seniors. Our seniors who were a year above us didn't want to talk to us because we were "fresh meat" After a few weeks of starting fresh. I wanted to try out for the cheerleading squad. Boy was I excited! Nevertheless, a senior came up to saying that you have to be pretty and that you have to have a nice smile if you want to join the squad. At first I thought she was just being nice and was giving me pointers. But little did I know she was indirectly asking me to not try out because I did not have any of those qualities. 

I remembered the day I tried out. We had to try out in the hall with the senior girls. I couldn't help but stare. They looked so perfect. Tall,slim, high clean ponytails..nice teeth. I went to the toilet because I was so nervous and practiced my smiling. Only then, It occured to me. As I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I finally realized that I wasn't good enough. I didn't have that "pretty cheerleader" look. I couldn't be a cheerleader not because I couldn't dance or do the jumps or stunts. But it was because I wasn't pretty enough. I saw the gap in between my teeth and I felt so ashamed. I had curly hair and wore these ugly pair of glasses. I mean, how would you react if you saw a girl like that? Be honest. My confidence level totally died that day. When it was my time to cheer, I felt so doubtful of myself. So embarrassed. The whole school,judges,senior and junior cheerleaders were staring at me. I tried to ignore them and went on with my routine. The feeling was dreadful. After me was this tubby girl. And some of the girls sitting behind me were making fun of her. So i thought to myself, " im sure they were laughing at me when i did my routine" The comments were intoxicating. From that day onwards, I was never the same.

A few months passed and suddenly I was hanging out with these three pretty girls. I knew I wasn't as pretty as them but whenever I was with them, I felt... pretty and wanted. The feeling of getting that sort of attention from so many people was exciting. But i knew that the attention wasn't on me. During hockey training, the younger boys would tease me about my teeth and how funny they looked. I just played along because I didn't want to seem as if I had given in. I had to be strong. My mother kept on telling me that I was pretty but then again, she's my mum. Its like, its her job to say things like that to me.I wasnt a swan. I was an ugly duckling. 

The gap in between my teeth became a real obsticle for me when it came to talking to boys. Especially to the ones whom I had a crush on.I would cover my mouth whenever I talked to them. I then got contact lens. Bye bye to ugly glasses. I felt a little pretty.. That year was like the peak year for my teammates. Most of the boys that we meet would like these particular 2 girls in our team. Always them, never me. Id be like the last resort.  I really struggled whenever I tried to make friends with them. They would have that "ew" face.

At the beginning of secondary 3, I finally had my braces done and over the months, my teeth started to straighten and come aline. I was really happy, that shot my confidence level up the roof. Suddenly , people started noticing me. Both girls and boys. I started getting compliments. I was invited to more parties, and I was hanging out with the "pretty" girl group. I got my braces off in secondary 5. My senior year. My teeth were perfect and straight, I wore contact lens. Yet... I still felt insecure. Next, was my hair. After I reached puberty my hair got a bit too curly and whenever I let my hair loose, I would look like a lion. My hair literally looked like a lions maine.  The other girls in the group had either straight/managable wavy hair. Which i  obviously adored. I saved up and bought myself a hair iron/straightener. Picked it up and I have never put it down. Not once. 

After a while, I was still not satisfied with my looks.  I moved on to my skin tone... then my body. Tried starving myself which was a stupid idea. Girls, do not starve. I wanted to look really pretty for my senior prom. For once, I was happy with how looked.

My transformation was so drastic that when I showed friends who didn't know what I looked like in the past my old picture, they thought I went for plastic surgery. Im not saying that Im gorgeous like 'Miss Universe Malaysia" sort of beautiful now, but Im just saying that I dont feel ugly anymore. However, the insecure feeling usually comes back to haunt me every once in awhile.

Even after all that, I am still not confident and comfortable with myself. I believe that the image of me back when I was younger is the image everyone sees whenever they talk to me. I even managed to get my first advert gig. But I turned it down because I was scared. I was scared that the agents would take one look at me and say im pretty but behind my back - make rude comments about me. It not like it hasn't happened to me. It happened once and Im sure it can happen again. You see, everyone is two faced. In a nutshell, my insecurity also lead to different problems like not feeling good enough. 

I would post a before and after picture but I wouldn't want to ruin the whole mystery. 

SJY