What can't kill me
4:39 pm
“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” – Bill Cosby
I don’t know about you but I’ve been mulling over these words for quite some time now. Maybe some other people have thought of it before or maybe i’m just a bit slow, i don’t know. I came across this some time ago while I was browsing the internet. But as I was zoning out in my room , this suddenly popped up in my head, and I think i’ve found the answer I’ve been seeking all this while.
I have always wanted to succeed in everything. Let it be sports, studies.. whatever you can think of. However, there has been always something that has been preventing me to succeed.
Fear
2013 was a pretty rough year for me. I was stressed due to my final exams which I did not have enough time to study for. I had classes almost everyday. I spent most of my time alone at home or in college studying my ass of for something I knew i could not succeed in. From the very beginning, I told myself that the course i was taking was hard and i would never in a million years succeed.
Sometimes i come out sounding like a pessimist, other days like an optimist. I’ve been having that negative mindset ever since i started college back in 2012. I kept on reminding myself that i couldn’t do it instead of motivating myself and believing in myself. Back then, my fear had definitely triumphed over my success.
Looking back at all that happened, all i can do now is just look back and regret. the phrase “There is no point crying over spilt milk” just makes things even worse for me. I want things to change, I don’t want to fail just because I’m afraid to succeed. Im tired of that, I don’t want that, not anymore. I still can't believe that I actually allowed myself to think that way. What was I thinking?
---thats right, I wasn't thinking. that was the root of the problem. I wasn't thinking, moreover I wasn't thinking ahead, namely about my future. How my stupid and immature actions could've jeopardized my future. I feel so stupid for almost allowing myself to do that.
I’m taking a huge leap of faith. That I can do wonders only if i start believing in myself. Truth be told, I am doing better. I do feel more confident in myself, I don’t feel worried all the time anymore. I am so over being afraid. You can't imagine how great I feel right now. I'm trying to be more positive, and I mean it takes time I know. But i am motivated to change.
Although i’m still in the midst of finding myself. Who i want to be.. I’ve been searching high and low for that person. Wondering whether the six year old me would be disappointed in the person that i’ve become. I don’t want to disappoint myself anymore. I think I’ve done that enough times. Don’t think i'd want to repeat it again. Sigh
Because the only person that is preventing me from succeeding is myself.
SJY
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