To my dearest J,

"I hope we last. I hope we do. But if we don't, this is how i want you to remember me"

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your oles, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought id recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though only you.

remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they are so delightful we went back for second and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn't stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If its consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

if it comes to it, i don't want you to remember the ending

remember the beginning

remember the first time you knew

Love, S

SJY